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In my own personal experience, even if I barely like the guy, if he has the balls to ask me out on a damn date, I’m going to say yes. That you probably actually find us hideous or super annoying or just totally not cool enough for you and all those hints that you’ve been dropping were totally not hints at all, but you trying to nicely say, “Hey. Hit the bricks.” And then someone hands us a copy of and we read it and then are like, “This is totally THAT guy! Suffer through a really long pause where she stares at you and nods her head, and then say, really really fast, “Maybesometimeweshouldgoget Chinesefoodtogether Iknowareallygreatplace Icouldtakeyouto.” Hold your breath until she says yes, and then exhale slowly.

Two other guys who aren’t going to let that night pass without sealing the deal. Because the other thing you don’t know is this: 90% of the time, the first one to the plate wins. But if I can tell that you kind of do…are maaaybeee thinking about it…are dropping hints left and right…and then you don’t? Because that’s when my Like for you turns into confusion, and then insecurity, and then resentment, and I don’t like being that girl. We start to think that maybe…you don’t really like us.

So we start to stay away, and then you start to think that we don’t like you, and then it becomes this whole circular mess where everyone is miserable and no one is getting laid. And if you don’t actually follow up your attraction with action – in a reasonable enough time span – your words are going to start looking like the jewelry at Forever 21 – kind of cute when you first see it, but after a while it just starts to remind you of all the people you can’t stand. I guess what I’m trying to say is: The jewelry at Forever 21 is fucking junk. There are many, many ways that you can do this, gentleman. You think that she might like you (and if you think that she “might” like you, then chances are that she really, likes you, since you guys aren’t the awesomest with subtle hints and so she’s probably been laying it on suuuuuper thick this whole time and you only now just caught on).

And yes, I know most of you movie nerds have probably been bouncing around this entire post, dying for me to mention the scene in Glengarry Glen Ross.

And before we go any further, let me say this: Snyde, I know you’re going to try to come on here and get all up in my grill about “why can’t girls close” and “guys love it when girls seal the deal” and all that other bullshit that you try to pull with me when I’m talking about dating. We’re not talking about what’s fair in the battle of the sexes today. And you’re kind of being dicks for thinking that the girl you like is going to wait around forever for you to make your move. Then, the moment she gets up from the table, throw her a meaningful look and say, “I had a really great time hanging out with you tonight. Then, after you’ve spent almost all night talking to her, sigh, say, “Well, see ya around” and then hit her on the arm as you walk away.

See, the thing is, guys, we’re not always that patient. No eye contact, do not even acknowledge anything she says. Get her into a really long, involved conversation, to the point where she’s ignoring her friends so she can talk to you. Take her out on the deck/patio/sidewalk/behind the building and just go in for the kill. Because the ABC’s (Always Be Closing) are true, in sales or in life.

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